Dear Parents:
David Gilcrease
Any relationship or relationships must have two critical essentials
to really work well – structure and influence.
My ability to influence you in a relationship is based on
trust. Trust is earned but what that
earning is based upon differs from individual to individual and from family to
family. My ability to earn trust is a function of the
structure of the relationships. These
two critical elements are tied together.
Structure is the defined by the purpose, values and
boundaries of the relationship. Within
a family, these 3 parts are vital to a successful i.e. what I can the
Intentional Family. From working with
thousands of families, the lack of clear structure is a major downfall. Without a clear structure authentic trust
cannot be created or maintained.
So what is required to create clear structure for a family
or even an organization? I find the
same principles necessary to have a great family or exactly the same as within an
organization.
·
Clear Purpose – Why are we together? What is the driving point of our family
·
Values – what are the essential non-negotiated
boundaries and behaviors of the family – for EVERYONE not just the children
·
Boundaries – based on the values what are the ground
rules and agreements that comprise the Family Legal System (FLS)?
Values are a key element in the process of creating
structure. Every family has values and
few really know or understand them. The
impact of having clearly defined values makes the establishment of ground rules
simply and understandable. Good ground
rules for a family are drawn from the value set. Notice the phrase “drawn from values” thus
implying values are NOT RULES.
Values are consciously chosen guiding principles which
encompass every area of my life at all times.
Rules are specific regarding time and area. I may have a rule about curfew that can vary
depending upon the situation. Values are
the principles that guide me in my choices.
Curfew is at 11pm; my guiding principle called integrity says I choose
to do what it takes to be home by 11pm.
Parents you are the role models for the value in your
home. As a couple or single parent must
be clear that what you espouse as your values you are in fact living them. As the leader of the home, it is your job
to define the values and continually teach those values to everyone in the
family. This is not to say we do not discuss
the values with our children and even include values they desire in the value frame;
however, we may only include those values which do not permit behaviors outside
of those acceptable by you the parents.
This means knowing your values and values are NOT your likes and
dislikes. Values are the guiding
principles. I may not like all the
clothes my teen may like but the question is does the clothing violate true
values of the home. This is a
critical question if you as the parent cannot really answer, then we are in a
gray area in which I as the parent must do some work before declaring.
Values based contracts create clarity regarding both the
context of the rules and thus the content of the rules. Again good rules support the context of our
family values. When I start from the
value frame of the family, rules are much easier to establish and
maintain. The discussion regarding
rules centers upon what values are in play rather than a potential argument
about the situation.
What are your family values? Are you living and teaching them? This is a favorite topic of discussion on
the Resource Support Network and we have 2 very clear workshops to assist you
in values clarification. Check out the
RSN for upcoming events.
David Gilcrease
